Remember when we were kids, and you told me that we would always be close. That even if we didn’t talk much when we were ‘grown up’ you’d always know me? i miss that. i miss someone who understood. my mind, is too complex. And when i try to get others to understand why i do what i do, it only seems to mess things up more.
So i’m supposed to write to you, when i’m upset or when i’m confused because supposedly that’s a therapeutic way of dealing with you no longer being here in physical form to tell me that when i’m lost or when i need to talk, you love more than anything in this world, and that you ‘get it’. The more time goes by the more i realize people really aren’t meant to have such a strong bond. Especially when romance or sexuality, or M/s is thrown in. i know, you didn’t really understand what i was into, and usually didn’t understand why i craved that lifestyle or the men who would control so much… or maybe i should say that you wished i did not because it often hurt me… but you got what i thought, and you understood my reactions when i talked to you about them.
The other night S called me, and yes i know you wanted that friendship to end too. hehe. But when talking he said my mothers death must have been t he worst, that losing you was probably painful but not so bad in comparison. Sometimes i feel guilty when i have to be honest and tell those that say that kind of things that it is the opposite. That the pain from losing you, far surpasses any other pain i’ve ever felt, even the childhood trauma of losing my dad.
I know why though, so that at least resolves a bit of it. People need to work on bonds. They need to really be brutally honest, and sometimes force themselves to communicate where the territory is shaky and uncomfortable. Most people give up and can’t even continue it, or grow tired of the tension and emotions that can arise. And maybe that’s cause most bonds are formed with romance, with passion and desire, and our bond was sibling… friend. Either way, our arguments were never once related to misunderstandings or communication, just action. i never had to worry that what i said to you, or what i did that you knew of, would be conditional. That you would stop loving me, or that you wouldn’t try to understand, or at least acknowledge that you couldn’t understand. In fact after 30 years, we barely had to speak cause it was just known.
i miss that. i miss that unconditional bond with someone. that trust that they will take you for what you are and not turn away because of it. But you know, in the past year i’ve done a lot of soul searching, and i really don’t’ think it was natural. i think it is human nature not to form that kind of bond with another. To be bonded yes, to share yes, to be happy yes. But to be that close, and have it unconditional, i am not sure that is ‘good’.
Because i keep searching for another that will connect with me, and be able to have that unconditional love and understanding. Or… i do the opposite and i push those that try away, and attempt to hide form any possibilities.
On one hand, i was lucky to know how it felt… and to have you through all those really crappy times where i didn’t think i’d make it, and to be there for you through yours. On the other hand, i am not sure i’d with that tightness on any others, because when they lose one, it’s like losing half themselves.
So let’s see, if you were here, i’d tell you about S calling. And the things he’s said that i know are bs and yet i humor him anyways.
And you’d tell me that i needed to stay away from him and why would i want to be friends with him again after the way he acted.
And i’d say well cause i’ve known him 15 years and i feel loyal to that part of the friendship, even if he is a jerk.
And you’d probably go smoke a joint and come back and tell me that i’m too nice but you love me more than anything in the world, and i better keep it just friendship for my own sake.
And i’d probably get pissy at you for getting stoned in the middle of the day and tell you you had to start paying rent instead of smoking your life away and living off my groceries and house.
You’d probably call me an idiot for loving people in sl the way i do, but you’d understand it’s what i need since my priority in rl is munchkin.
Then you’d probably tell me, that if i wanted to offer whatever i wanted to offer, and if someone couldn’t take that with pleasure and at least try to understand, then they weren’t worth the offering in the first place. Then i’d keep doing it anyways till i frustrated myself more… cried more and you dragged me away for a tour on the back roads and surround me with trees.
hmm
maybe that is what i need. some good nature energy… and to just STOP trying to have people understand me and let them figure me out on their own, without offering it up… maybe that little analization that a slave should offer her mind as best she can is wrong, and it’s actually the Masters job to get inside it himself.
Actually, i think that makes a lot of sense. i should of course, not hide emotion, but state them plainly, without going too deep into them… and then let it go.
yes, i think i’ll go to the lot tonight and walk in the now thigh high snow, and get some nature into me.
But, i’m upset because i’m now in a place where i’m ready to open up and communicate, but when i try to explain t hings they come out wrong. Which i guess, is expected considering i don’t really explain things clearly as they are never cut and dry in my head. But i hate being misinterpertated, and i hate upsetting others. i’m upset because i’m finally ready to explore the things that hurt me in the past and try to get past them, and i’m not sure how to go about it. i’m upset cause Koy who would help doesn’t have the time, and my Master i don’t wish to offend in asking things that come out wrong, and too, there is the time constraint. Thinking, is an evil thing sometimes. it leads to over analyzation, to misunderstandments which lead to arguements and headaches. i don’t want that. i soooooo do not want that. i want pleasure,and enjoyment, and honesty. i want discussions that make me think, but don’t make me cry so much.
i am so eager to have someone inside my head, to open up and let them understand me that i forget sometimes it’s not really welcomed. it may be said it’s wanted. But usually, it’s just a bit wanted… or rather sometimes i try to offer too much too quick which is like a chain reaction of getting rejected and then feeling panic myself and trying to totally turn away. i hate how i do that. i feel a tug of closeness, i try to open up too much and offer too much, i feel the rejection or displeasure at too many of my thoughts, so i want to run and hide. i miss you most when i see or sense myself doing this, cause it was then that you always held me down and didn’t let me run, or hide, and never ever showed that rejection. Yelling at me sure, telling me i was a stubborn fool sure, but actually displeased with who i was… with my thoughts or emotions, never. In fact it was that acceptance that helped me figure out some of the whys of how i am.
i am grateful, truly, for all that i went though to make me the way i am. Sometimes i’m angry about it too, because it creates a lot of walls and causes a lot of pain or issues. But mostly it’s at least given my life some meaning, and made me a deeper person. i would not wish it on anyone, and would protect others to the end, but… i do think it kind of made me ‘deeper’.
And i suppose, you became deeper just from hearing about it. You had that knack for sharing pain.
meh. Everything always works out. and it’s always a lesson at least. i will get some fresh air, and feel better. As you said to me, life’s about living, and you need to love what your are living…not think about and be ready for the dying. Though you did, technically, die 3 days later after saying that…so i’m not sure it would hold up as law. 
i miss you.
and i love you.
p.s. everyone is in jamaica, and i didn’t get to go cause of munchkin. 
so feel free to send some vacation assistance… kid free.. my way.
